Wearing nothing is divine...

Another school girl crush

I take martial arts and boxing now

I work at a mental health facility in Humboldt Park.  It's a CRAZY first job and great experience.  I deal with a lot of psychotic people and people who make me feel like shit for every time I ever thought my life was over.  98% of my clients make my life seem like a joy ride.

I live in Pilsen.

I think a lot about revenge and how life is taken for granted as much as pain and suffering are taken for granted.  (Embrace it)

I'm getting SO stupid now that school is over AND I don't live in Hyde Park anymore.

While I was writing a VERY important paper at the Reg. today, I got an e-mail.  It was an e-mail that stumped me, and it made my day!  It made my day so much that I couldn't sit, because I felt like I was going to explode!  I was laughing on the inside and it was dying to come out.  So, I got up and I took a walk to the back of the stacks, said "OMGOMGOMG! WTF!OMG!" to myself a few times and then went back to my cubicle and got back to work.

BUT, not before I took the time to send Michal a VERY important e-mail:

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha



Oh my.  Today was wonderful.  It was awesome.

I watched "How to Look Good Naked" online a couple weeks ago, because I had been wanting to see how the show goes and I missed the premier episode.  It was good, but there was something I found terribly wrong and backwards about it.  There's one part where they had the girl on the show look at a line-up of women who were of all different sizes.  They had them arranged from big to REAL BIG.  Then, they had the woman on the show choose where she thinks she would fit in the arrangement.  When she chose, they told her she was wrong, and they put her where she would actually belong in the arrangement.  They told her that her image of herself is so bad and she wasn't actually as big as she sees herself being.  I felt terrible for the models they had lined up.  I could only imagine how terrible it must feel to be hired to stand in your underwear with a bunch of other plus sized models in order from big to biggest listening to someone tell a woman who was big, but smaller than you how she's not nearly as big as she thinks (ie as big as you if you're one of the models) and her image of herself is just that bad or negative (aka your size is a negative thing).

anyways, this thought was sparked while texting my sister about how crazy we used to be about the Quija board and Light as a Feather Thin as a Board (I thought this would be some crazy fat ppl therapy if it weren't a game using black magic to make people weightless).  "The Witch Board" was a damn scary movie though, and we fell asleep holding hands the night we watched that as kids.

What's wonderful about music is that when you can't find the words, there's a song.

I won't let anyone hear mine, but there's always a song, and then you might be alone, but you're not alone.

This week has been excellent!

Chicken stuffed with goat cheese and pesto
Pasta salad
Tostones
Fried egg plant
Mini chocolate 'eclairs
Cedars
The Lion's Head Pub
The Apartment club
Midterms
Running into my TA at the club (and an offer to buy me a beer)
Regenstein study rooms with Kenny and creeping around to NOT spot certain ppl
RELIEF!
a funny joke in Civ
and  GREAT COMPANY!

I'm excited about tonight, because I'll be having dinner with a bunch of ppl who I never see, but am close to. The decision isn't mine to not see them usually, but I guess everyone's busy. I really hope everyone makes it.

This is a good time to reflect on how awesome Wednesday was, and how terrible too, but mostly awesome so I don't forget it...

I was at work when my boss decided he would send me to Reynolds to try getting people to sign up for his appointment-only study. I have a REALLY hard time approaching people to ask if they'd be interested. I'm not selling things door to door or by phone, but when I have to go do that, it feels like I am. When I run into friends, it feels to some extent as awkward as if I were selling door to door and a friend answers a knock. I don't know what that actually feels like, but I imagine it's awkward and embarrassing.
So, I get an empty table and I make myself a banner in the basement. I table instead. Clement happened to be around, and when he left, Shuaib was around and he sat down next to me and helped me/kept me company. Then Clement was back. We laughed a lot, made some jokes, and had a pretty good time. They sat next to me and we had a good time from 3-7pm. I was actually off-duty at 5pm, but we just sat for the extra two hours. Then, we decided to get shakes at the Med. We spent another hour and a half there and then walked back to campus. i wasted the day, but I really needed some good company. It was nice.

So many thoughts are running in and out of my head right now, and I can't get my mind off of things around me that bother me to concentrate on the work I have. I wonder how many of my friends know this page exists. I only wonder, because I always thought people get as curious about me when we're friends as I get about them. It's not the case though. I'm a rarity, and I get much more curious about people than they get about anyone. Nobody ever bothers to research their friends. So, maybe I'm crazy, but I like to think I'm interested. If you won a math or science award or scholarship in high school, I wanna know. If you wrote reviews for a local paper, I want to know. I f you have an LJ, Xanga, Wordpress, EBlogger, I want to know. I'll read it, because I like to know what people are thinking all the time. I love to read about how people reflected on their day, ESPECIALLY if I was a part of their day even if I'm never mentioned. If we're friends, chances are I've googled you. If you have a common name, I probably didn't turn anything up, but you should know what I did turn up as I'm sure everyone has googled themselves at least once. People don't google their friends though, much. Why isn't it okay to admit that you care if you do though? Shouldn't doing all these things in secrecy be the creepy thing to do? Ina and Shefali used to read my LJ freshman year. The RAs in my house first year used to even read it. A LOT of ppl used to get curious and read this back in the day, but then I stopped writing, stopped posting pictures and became boring. Too bad.

Where I'm actually going with this is I'm wondering why nobody cares to make an effort to get to know anyone anymore. I've hit a point where I don't want to see most of my close friends, because it feels like I'm making more of an effort and always wondering what they're up to when I never seem to cross their minds. It feels like I've literally lost my mind, and I can't speak it, because it would probably strike my friends as over-the-top-crazy. I wonder if people think of me though. I know some people do, and I've had my priorities all wrong this year. I'm not the only one, so I won't take the blame alone. If people do think of me, they need to tell me, because my assumption is that they don't. I'm not a mind reader.

At this point, I feel like I shouldn't be the only one thinking of them. The friendship should be mutual. If I never cross their minds, then why do/should they cross mine so often? Does it mean I care about them more... I'm not even sure. Every once in a while a nice gesture doesn't cut it, because I like to know I exist. I hate when people think that they're the kind of friends who don't need to both make an effort to see each other because things always seem to pick up right where they left off. It should never be an effort to begin with, and that pick up where we left off thing only lasts so long sometimes. It should be just wanting to be around each other, no? Plus, being the kind of friends who just always pick up where you left off is for once distance becomes a problem, but it's ridiculous (to me) when you still live walking distance away from each other.

This is my relationship with just about everyone, and maybe it wouldn't be so bad and this entry would never have been written if I had one person who's always there to fall back on. Right now though, everything always leaves off with people for days, weeks or months, and I don't know what to do in between. So, I sit and think about people, all day. Something or someone's missing in my life.

A lot has happened in the past year, and even more has happened in the past 20 weeks I'll say.

Stephen messaged me on gchat, and he told me that he ran into Kenny at some party, and Kenny said that I was really good at telling people that I'm busy. Stephen thought that was funny and that I'd maybe laugh, but I found it to be depressing. I have so much on my mind and on my plate right now. I really do want to see everyone, but I just can't find the time. Everything has reached a point where I just feel like I'm going to explode from all the pressure all the time. Every once in a while, it happens and I start sobbing for a good 5 minutes before I put myself back together again and go on with my day/life as if it didn't happen. I need help, and nobody knows, but I want to keep it this way. I explained to somebody that after spending so much time with people you get to know them, and they start to feel comfortable around you. They get so comfortable that they'll tell you what they're thinking all the time or when it's relevant, and a lot of what people say is based off of their views of society, and sometimes the world, but they make a lot of judgmental statements about things or people being *different*. They don't realize it, but they do. I don't care about that though, because even though I'm offended sometimes, I really don't want people to censor their thoughts when they think I can't handle them. I hear people say that they can't talk about such-and-such-thing around so-and-so, because it might hurt so-and-so's feelings. It's like badmouthing Jews to a friend, and then your friend surprising you with "Um, I'm Jewish." You take it back and say 'oh, well, I mean..., not you though.' It's awkward and from then on the only thing that happens is you make sure not to say negative things about whatever the topic around that friend anymore, just when they're not around. Once something like this happens, people can't be themselves anymore, and this ruins what was once a good thing. On that note, everything becomes personal to me unless you pry, and what's strange is that only one person has ever pried enough to know a good deal about my family and growing up. That would be...

Kenny. He said my life is like a soap opera, and while things have changed since then, not a lot of people know about my past like he should know from the night we sat on the steps of the Field Museum eating Cold Stone's.

Even when people ask, they make assumptions sometimes though. It changes my story, because people assume things haven't changed, and then I don't want to tell them things have changed. There's too many questions and too much sympathy, or lack of understanding, especially when they made an assumption that their friends are just like them to begin with. I struggle to find answers for questions sometimes though. It's what really sucks about having to make things up all the time. I run into dilemmas and conflicts, someone asks why or what happened that I've ended up in my seemingly small predicament. I answer truthfully with only relevant information at first. Then, here's what dumbfounds me... they don't understand why I didn't JUST [insert simplest and most obvious solution to the problem here]. 'OH!! *I* didn't think of THAT! Yeh, maybe I should/should've done that. I don't know why I don't come to you more often when I have a problem. Thanks for nothing.' If I'm struggling with something, please don't talk to me as if I haven't thought of EVERYTHING, much less the simplest, most obvious solution.

It reminds me of Andrew's story about some dumb kid he knew in middle school and another kid mentioning that he (other kid) has psoriasis, so his skin gets really dry. Then, low and behold, dumb kid is around and has an answer for his problems... "Oh! why don't you just put some lotion on it?!" Excellent.


Now, nobody knows why I'm such a mess. I can't say for sure, but i feel like close friends are judging me, and they don't understand, because I haven't told them. I have my reasons. What I really need is for people not to think they understand and for them to just know that they don't and that's okay.

*** I want other people not to arrange for us to meet up and catch up over lunch or dinner. If they want to hang out so badly, they should come over (or wait for me), sleep over or actually hang out doing something else, unless food is an integral part of hanging out. I DON'T want to catch up! No "how's life"s, no "do you know what you're doing after you graduate"s, no "have you talked to..."s! Make me laugh, make me smile, make me angry or make me cry. If you've changed, THEN I want to know what happened.


I miss Kenny a lot, and wish he could sleep over. I should have called Josh a month ago (more, even!). I should stop by Shane's when I'm walking home at night (and I always wonder what would happen if I knocked, but I have work to do when I get home and I know I would spend hours just talking and being happy when there is no time). I should sleep over Clement's while the invitation's open, and ironically enough, I wish he would invite me over for dinner more or to begin with. I just wish it were first year of college again, when everything was perfect and everyone had their priorities in order. Nobody ever came to me when they needed things, just when they wanted me around, and vice versa, never any alterior motives. We just wanted to have a good time and we knew how to make that happen without trying.

I don't want my friends to need me. I want them to want me.</span>

Maybe I should start going to the gym.  I was thinking this one is worthless, but can't hurt to have in the back of my mind.  My REAL resolution is not to waste money, but a resolution to go to the gym means that the NEXT time (it happened once a couple weeks ago) I'm walking down a sidewalk, having breakfast downtown, and I walk over one of those subway vent thingamajigs as a train is coming to blow my skirt up.... it'll be a little less embarrassing.  I won't wear a skirt all winter anyways.

I'm really terrible with boys.  I know this.  I run away from boys who show they like me.  I avoid giving boys that I LIKE any signals.  I need help.  Otherwise I'm going to be alone FOR-E-VER (...echo-echo- echo).

I haven't seen much of ANYONE this quarter!  No joke.  I feel guilty, but I really have no time for seeing people.  I'm also losing touch with people, and invites to hang out over the weekend are running lower and lower.  Even if I can't make it, I do appreciate the invite.  It's awkward when your friends start talking about things they did and didn't tell you about.  I really want to ask "where was I?!" but I don't want to get upset about these things.  I'm fairly lonely and I can't afford to fix this problem.  I think what I really need is to get piss-drunk.  I haven't been drunk since last year when I went one-for-one with Jimmy and then he threw up in his sleep and I threw up at Shuaib's, with Hossam staying close by and then walking me home.  Despite throwing up, I had fun that night. 

I have a paper and a midterm this week, but I really need to have fun with people or I'm going to explode.  Some things in the back of my mind:

I need to see Shane
I need to see Shirley and Ana
I need to see Stephen when I'm not seeing him, because he's having a party
I need to be a fun person again
I need to ace my 'metrics final if I want to stay away from waiting on tables for the rest of my life

It's late and if I want to get back on top of things, I'm gonna need some sleep, so...

I...


fell off my bike and landed on my face

We still have no dining table in the apartment.  I found a good set on the ikea website and thought I'd send it to my roommate (sitting right in the next room) through e-mail to see what she thought...  I had just sent two files to my boss at the GSB and I guess was still feeling like my e-mails need to be addressed to him.  So, I accidentally sent it to my boss, who I run studies for, code data for and send data to... never anything personal, all business =]


Me:
"http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/80086575
how do u like?"

His reply:
"Nice, from what I can see. :)

Just beware....Ikea has great stuff, but more often than not, you get what you pay for. Budget constraints are budget constraints, of course. But $79 bucks is kind of sketchy for a new dining room table and full set of chairs. I'd probably look on Overstock.com or Craigs List before buying this particular set. "


He must have been SO weirded out and confused!  It was nice of him to act natural though =)

Other than that... I need a couch and my apt. is driving me INSANE!!!
Simpsons movie comes out next week!!!!!

NAH

What I did tonight, I will not do again.

I got one of those useless feelings where I started wondering why I was where I was and how I got there.  I'm home.

That last post still applies for now.

Today was pretty crappy.  Everything about it, from the beginning.  I got up late, when I was dressed, I drank juice and the OJ was WAY expired (May 17th), the cereal was stale, the exam sucked, the library was lonely, dinner was even lonelier; so it didn't happen; and when the library wasn't lonely, it was still lonely.  I got little done, planned too much studying for too little time, and I can't stop daydreaming.

Which is why...

It's a good time to think about the good days, recounting the past two weeks of relatively good days.  Summer Breeze was fun and the hypnotist was hilarious as usual.  I checked out the apartment for next year and I get the best room in the apartment, lots of sunlight and a good view.  Then Josh came for about a week and stayed with me.  I was busy as hell, but it was really nice to have him visiting.  After a HECTIC week of work and more work, Jimmy, Shuaib and Ron's birthday BBQ turned out amazing and just about EVERYONE invited came and brought more than enough food.  I am amazing at planning events. Then Saturday after Josh left things went down hill for a few hours, but DKE formal that evening was fun and I went as Hossam's date.  He was sweet, and he looked really good in his suit.  He should probably just walk around like that everyday (no, probably not), and I got a lot of compliments on my dress.  I studied some more and did lots of work for the rest of the weekend and week.  My laptop broke, but I managed to get a lot done and grew used to the Reg. finally.  I've been in the B-Level every night for three days and it's worked out pretty well.  I remember last year, a conversation in the house lounge about who my favorite people on the 6th floor were.  I said Tina and Jimmy, because I'm always pretty happy to see them and they make me smile.  This still holds true.  I was also told that I'm a 10, which is always nice =)  (on a scale of lame to wicked awesome)

Back to today... It sucked.

Me: Go out with me, [soandso].
soandso: WHAT!?!?!
Me:  Go out with me?
soandso:  I can't.
Me: Why not?
soandso: I just don't want to.






IF

Silly story (not to be confused with funny)...

So, I always wave hello to the doorman at the building next-door.  Every time I walk by I wave. 

TODAY, was no different.  I waved and kept walking, to Walgreens.  I was gonna get there, pick up a prescription and wait for the CTA to take me to the Reg.  Then, I realized I forgot my laptop charger.  Bummer. 

I had to turn around and this time he had the door open and was enjoying the weather.  I said hello and he came out and we talked, mostly small talk and he mentioned how it was a good day for biking and I said I wished I had a bike for doing that and for when I forget stuff in my room and have to go back and get it, because it would be so much faster to turn around on a bike.  I said I might just buy one for those reasons, that it would be nice to ride to where I need to go, and so much faster.  Then he said "well, you can ride my bike today."  I was surprised, and repeated "really!?!" a few times.  So he told me he rides it to work and he would bring it out so that I could ride it. 

What'd I get myself into?... I was wishing I had said something more like "I wish I had a bike and knew how to ride it..."  I went to get my charger and came back, saw his bike out front.  He handed me the key to the lock and his phone number, in case anything happens.  I was still really surprised, and then we both realized I'm too short to ride his bike.  The seat was up past my waist (he's 5'11" and I'm 5'3" & a 1/2).  I was relieved that I might not get this privilege, and he had nothing to lower the seat with.  However, there was a chance the doorman across the street did, so we walked over and he didn't, but the maintenance man did.  The seat had never been lowered so it was jammed and it took forever to lower and for a while I was thinking this might not work out and then I wouldn't have to borrow his bike (he was so nice and it was so much trouble), but it worked out after 15 minutes and I tried it out.  I'm still short... I had to lift my leg as high as it goes and the bar went up as high as my legs go.  When I sat on the seat, I was on my tippy toes.  It was really hard to maneuver, considering I haven't been on a bike in like 4 years and it was a bike for tall-er people.  Every time there were people in front of me or the sidewalk got narrow, or both, I would panic a little and hope I didn't crash into the wall or the people. 

I got to Walgreens, and then on my way out was thinking about how hard and scary it would be getting to the Reg. considering how bad I was at maneuvering and how I couldn't get off to cross streets (I almost got hit by a car on 55th and Lake, the driver ran a light), because it would be so hard to get on again.  The CTA was coming shortly and although I felt bad, and silly, I left the bike at Walgreens and took the bus!  Then at 8:15 I caught the bus back and got the bike, which I rode back to the building next door and I pretended I had ridden it all day (OH! and I crashed into a bush when a guy was on the sidewalk).  This was a silly thing to do and I can't believe I borrowed a stranger's bike.  Ina says I have a friendly face, so people feel comfortable trusting me with secrets, and property.  I guess so

=P:..  
I just finished telling Ina about how much I hate Econ majors.  I really, really do.  I feel like they're all so cold and competitive.  Even at my most competitive, I've always been willing to help or explain, but this has never been the case with other people here.  I only just realized a few days ago, that the one person who ever really did me a favor in Econ... ISN'T an Econ major!!!  Surprise surprise!  Anyways, I remember being in Lima's class and a few people, including me, were struggling in there.  He had a talk with the class about helping eachother out.  He talked about how everyone will do better if they just get together and talk about the stuff we're doing in class.  He said it doesn't have to be so competitive and that he really wanted us all to do well, which could only happen if everyone is open to helping other students, so that everyone wins.  Nobody should have any vested interest in watching others do bad, or good for that matter, so why the cold shoulder from EVERY econ major here!?  It's not even that I need the help (anymore), I just would like to be around people who aren't so stuck up when all I want to know is if they have the time.  Maybe this is why I get lonely.  I hope things look up in this department.  I hate my major so much.

Saturday was a great day while I'm writing.  I did Dance Marathon and danced (at least stood) for 12 hours.  Most of my time was danced.  I couldn't sell my raffle tickets though, and I was going to be making up what I didn't raise of my $120, so I went ahead and bought my raffle tickets.  I bought my 10 and got one free for being in the show.  The crazy thing is, of the people who I asked or told about the raffle tickets, noone bought any, but THREE of my tickets won prizes.  THREE raffle prizes!  So, I won an IPod Shuffle (the tiny clip-on ones), 1 VIP ticket to the Shedd Aquarium, which I've been wanting to go to for a long time now, and 4 tickets from the Chicago Architecture Foundation... I hope this is good for the boat tour, it's relaxing.  Saturday was a really happy day, maybe because of all the endorphins, the people (like a party where everyone's dancing and nobody is leaving when they get tired) and the music... 12 hours!!!  I think I'll do it again next year.

It's strange how things can be so good for one minute even when everything else is bad, but then whether or not things change after that minute everything can still go so wrong.

Do you ever have a series of disappointments in one area of your life and then come to conclude that it can't be so many small outside factors or just the things always associated with that area or anything, but maybe it's youuuu?!?  I do...

Let's see...

Who's left that I've been friends with... It's inevitable as a kid that good friends will move around and you'll lose touch, but then I got here...

Jon Gordon
Josh
Ana
Shirley

That's four people, but I think four is a large number for people you're actually close friends with.  If I wanted to count friends in general... the list grows.  A lot that can't stay, because of money troubles or what not.  These four just left though, for a better place.  What are the chances that four transfers are closely connected to one person?... not just closely, like they come party every once in a while, but closely like they all confided in me at one point or still do and are significant people to me.

night